Combinatorial Explosion
I am at a very intense moment in life right now. Seemingly at least– social life, purpose, health, academics; I am not dealing with any in a manner that I would like to. On the one hand, I feel grateful for and enjoy the busyness. Having so much to do and so many people to meet is a blessing. Less than a year ago I wished for something of the sort.
On the other, I don't think I am most effective in ways that I care about living like this. I don't have any routine and severely lack discipline. I am unable to make the most of my classes and that leaves me feeling very unhappy and unfulfilled. I wish to push through it, but I question if it's worth it. I think I can push myself to do everything, but I get this feeling that unless I actually care about some of these things I won't have the interest in putting my complete effort in them.
Over the past year, I have also made many arrogant decisions. Especially with my class choices. I think ambition is great, pushing oneself is good and failing is horrible but something that can be dealt with. However, taking decisions without factoring in self-awareness, especially in a learning context where there isn't exceptional urgency, yields that kinds of outcomes I am now unhappily facing.
In my opinion, this was a rare instance of me letting my surroundings influence me without deciding whether said things are best for me. This is cause for concern and I cannot let this slide.
Going forward, my mindset is to not take classes beyond an interest I know I certainly have–logic. Discovering new interests/passions will be much better served through books, conversations and other lower commitment methods of exploration. Within these 3 semesters, I think I have learnt that I do not find the greatest enrichment from intense classes; or at least cannot do so if I am distracted by 6 other things of equal intensity. I need to focus and be able to soak things in. And it must be clear that academics are not one of the most important aspects of my life. Knowledge is, learning is, people are. Learning to put in honest work is. I am grateful for academics, but overemphasising it's importance renders me somewhat incapable of absorbing what classes offer me.
Second, my goal is to continue trying to make physical health a daily focus of my life. I think I will enjoy running in the morning and then going to the gym. Running in the cold mornings makes me feel tough; it is challenging and yet fills me with dopamine. I reckon these are possibly lifelong habits, and if these are things I can fix and sort out early on in life I mustn't delay any attempts to do so. If I falter, it's essential to pick myself up again. Do not yield; you know you can actually do a lot more by not listening and just doing.
Another recent observation: I lack humility. This is new, for I was a fairly (and deliberately) humble male early on in life. Amidst this speed of life and a lack of moments with myself, I lose touch with reality. I anticipate this writing exercise will help me slow down and improve my reflections and my writing. I believe humility is necessary in order to make the best progress.