Day before LDOC: my standing

A long stream of revelations/realisations/just reflection.

I'm feeling fairly melancholic. I've been distanced from civilisation, out of routine, did something new that makes me feel really weird emotionally and miss Olivia and how close we were. I also feel a bit wasted and unhappy with my performance towards the end of this semester. Obviously, I will not stop trying or feel fucking sorry for myself. I do that too often, eh?

Second, I really want to do create something. Build a company; feel a sense of accomplishment. This aspiration is resurfacing so strongly at a slightly odd timing given I'll be in Paris for eight weeks. (Following which I intend to travel solo in Rajasthan too).

I honestly don't want to talk about my love life here because it is incredibly important to me. It's been getting kind of overwhelming lately and thus I think I must. I miss things about our relationship–and then am immediately reminded of reasons why it's not a good idea for me to be with her. I really seek companionship, but perhaps the battle I'm fighting with myself to improve is the reason why I haven't attracted HER/back yet. It makes sense. I need to be at peace with myself–which I simply define as a state absent of any sinking, self-deprecating emotions.

Idea: stay off Instagram and my sneaky LinkedIn? Too much exposure to the lives of other people, short-form content etc surely can't be good. I think this might be fantastic. I don't gain...anything. + I have noticed I compulsively go online which is resulting in much lost time.

Another issue: too much tension regarding "maximising my Yale experience." Perhaps it has to do with seeing others do the same, perhaps it has to do with the writings I've read. Either way, I feel as though I'm not where I want to be; although I do think this might possibly be fixed by just fixing my internal self, habits, etc.

I genuinely feel so uncomfortable with myself right now it's almost like I'm palpitating. Not physically fit, not excelling academically, not happy socially, not happy with my love life. A thought just landed: maybe you will be reach a low point, a lowest (LMAO minimal point, kinda like in chains. IA set theory) point, and then shit will just get better. It feels as though the only valuable thing about me is my ambition. For country, for my people. Fortunately for the people, I am pretty lenient with who I adopt as "my people."

Edit: second valuable thing may be my inclination to take risks. In some sense I've been pushed into this mindset a lot more severely (owing to the sequence of events that started with the first week of pledge). That shit is going to prevent me from succeeding anywhere and I ought to fix it, but alas. I think I don't really know how to think about risk. Should ask the parents? Read too.

There is a deadness here. The light doesn't work. No sounds, nobody's awake. No body's blowing my phone up. To be fair..might just be exam week. Also a couple different people did ask me to meet up. I am a tweaker eh? 4 days ago I was thinking how I love being alone and just a few days later I'm yearning for company. Followed by which I yearn for better company. I think this has a lot to do with my perception of myself; this many people cannot be so significantly flawed that I like nothing about them? Or can they?

I also need something to live for. Enough of this bouncing around. I want to be a politician. That I must be. But I don't want to court people for money all the time; I want to have enough such that I can sustain myself. Creating a company also feels like a formative experience. I will do what my father would have excelled at if he was able to continue taking risks. It breaks my heart that he decided not to because of his children. He has worked so hard and sacrificed so much for ME to be able to AFFORD this education. I cannot let it go to waste. I must not. I won't. I will make something. I am Parth, son of Manisha and Rajkumar Jain. I am of the state of Rajasthan and Jaipur is my home. India is my country. Jai Bharat.

I wish I was more psyched for France. I'm going to fucking Paris! It's a new life! A chance to re-invent, lowkey! And there is so much to learn too. I don't want to take this for granted the way I did Yale. Shall put more effort into planning and such.

I'm also going to stop myself from thinking about maximising my Yale experience. It's just making me unhappy. It would be better to operate with some general principles, simply adhere to them and be concerned if I'm slipping off, as opposed to going on mental rampages overthinking & criticising myself. The CourseTable ×LinkedIn × Instagram self-stalking (genuinely 40 hours spent on this AT LEAST. conservative estimate) is just a weird muscle response to feign progress when I have achieved nothing in actuality.

Posted late