EOS..

Feeling so sad right now. Had E-board elections and senior speeches.

I'm gonna miss all these guys so much. Seeing them around, looking upto them in many ways, just having them be here; I can't imagine that changing and not being the case next year.

I don't know if I'm also upset because I didn't run in the e-board elections. I love this place and I would. I guess I messed up the timing of it all; of Yale. Didn't seek as much out first-year and really wish I had. Still feel fucking alone so much. I don't know if there is a lesson here or just an ill-feeling. I do feel motivated to do more; to do a lot for the people.

Also feeling retarded for dropping my classes. It's s0 fucking embarrassing but I just didn't want to fuck up a class I know I didn't have to. Long-term it's fine but still. This is far from excellence. Where is my excellence right now? Where is the consistency? Ma is right. I have nothing to show for these two years.

I hate feeling emotional because it makes me sad about everything else too. And yet perhaps I don't realise that I am lucky to have something that makes me feel so emotional.

30 mins later:

I will not give up. I have failed this entire semester to be consistent. No matter. Try again, and again, do better. Let's fuckin go.