Fucking up despite know everything

This is not the first time this has happened. I hate this feeling so excruciatingly that not releasing a barrage of expletives onto my screen feels like exceptional self-control.

Math AAHL 2024, somewhat same thing. Froze. Linear Algebra, froze.

Now today, easiest fucking midterm of my life, chance to get my grade up to an A, and I fucking failed. Did worse than the first midterm almost solely on the back of that first question. It is ridiculous, I know I'm not retarded, clearly, I just don't know why my brain froze. Was it sleep? Was it stress? Did I just not prepare and familiarise myself enough. I don't know what I am doing wrong that everybody else is doing right.

I don't consider the case where I'm just not the guy who performs because I know that is not it. But I hate feeling like that guy for even a moment. I despise this losing.

I know all of this. clearly. Ask me now and there will be nothing that I cannot explain to you. I hate this so much. Regret would make me feel hollow, this makes me distracted. I am not empty but I am not at peace. I am just frustrated.