loneliness or solitude?

I feel daunted at the thought of living by myself, if I'm being honest. It's not as much a factor of being alone as I think it is of the opportunity cost of living alone. It obviously sucks to not have a living situation of choice and is my fault. I should've been better prepared. Prepared man doesn't lose!

It does afford me some peace, in some sense. No more having to deal with pissy roommates or housemates. But I will miss my friends. I wince at the thought of being overcome with emotion; being surrounded 24/7 prevents this because you're either occupied with joy, annoyance or just plain noise. There isn't enough space to find a crevice to soak in your sorrows.

I feel as though no matter what I do I am always alone. I feel alone with friends, I feel alone because I am not satisfied with their character, and I don't think other people feel as alone. If I make an effort, I often feel taken for granted. I despise this. I was brought up with a grand idea of hospitality and shared love through service; that pursuing it yields a negative image almost brings me to tears.

Many who precede me will argue that this is a problem of the company I keep as opposed to my functioning. It seems theoretically believable but difficult to accept in real life.

I wonder–perhaps I take the wrong things too seriously. If I take everything seriously (i.e. let myself be bothered by the outcomes of) it might be the same as taking nothing seriously. I should stop being too concerned with everything to do with perception. College and the little worldly context I've gained thus far has taught me that output and individual engagement is much more important to people than every small thing one does. Of course, the small things one does shape who they become, but I surely overestimate the importance of many such things.

I reckon I ought to select perhaps one thing that I take most seriously during any given time in life and rank the rest.

Being present in the moment

Learning

being in great health

debating and improving

creating a company